In that test phase, I knew I would not lose the few pounds that had crept back on, but I was fine with maintaining them for the time being.  While increasing the number of calories, I was also supposed to increase my levels of exercise to speed up my metabolism — hopefully with the end result also being warmer body temperatures.

Well, I got accustomed to eating more but not to the exercising more part.  I’ve proven, AGAIN, that I suck at exercise and if I had to rely on it to lose weight that I just would not have been able to do it.  Thank goodness for will power (on most days) when it comes to portion sizes.

Anyway, the purpose for my post tonight is to become accountable AGAIN for the poor eating choices I’ve made the last few days.  The last four days have all had caloric intake of over 2000 calories, with today and yesterday both being around 2800.  (Speaking of warmth — you would not believe how warm I am today!)  Tomorrow I get to start depriving myself again, and also pull out the wool socks.  Ha!

I will try hard to put some encouragement on here once in a while — some self-praise or positive thoughts or a healthy recipe — something other than using my blog for confessing my eating indiscretions or seeking accountability.  It’s not fair to you to hear all the bad and ugly and none of the good.  There’s plenty good, more good than bad actually.

Stick with me!

1. jog 30 minutes straight on the treadmill
2. get back to 148 pounds
3. do 10 pushups

I got to 30 minutes this morning, over a month early!  I was so pumped and extended my previous best by almost a third (my last attempt was 21 minutes) but I got in such a groove that I didn’t want to quit.  Hopefully I won’t “feel it” tomorrow morning.  Anyway, I’m pumped — the best feeling to carry you right into the weekend!  Have a good one everybody!

• My alarm didn’t go off and I didn’t get up when I wanted to.  As a result, I didn’t have first pick of the machines available.  Fortunately, I’m not too choosy and as long as something is available, I will feel content.  I think I had my alarm tuned to a station that doesn’t broadcast 24 hours a day because when I checked it afterwards, it wasn’t coming on at all.  I assumed that I had chosen “pm” instead of “am” when setting the alarm (I have done that before) but this time that wasn’t the case.
• After a five minute warm-up, I could only last two minutes running before I had to resume walking.  I hate to sound like a big complainer, but my foot started cramping up!  I thought it was better not to “push it” just for the sake of saying I had worked through the pain.  I think it’s better to pay attention to the cues our bodies give us and just concentrate on doing better next time.  No need to risk injury!
• I actually have more weight to lose than I thought.  Instead of the 12 pounds I mentioned yesterday, I woke up to 161 on the scale so I actually have 13 to lose instead of twelve.  Sounds unlucky, but since I’m not superstitious, I’ll just treat it as the number it is.
• I’m weaker than I thought.  After 30 minutes on the treadmill (to make up for the fact that I wasn’t running more than two of the 30 minutes, I put the incline all the way up to 15%) I decided to lift some weights.  I did the bilateral shoulder press (hopefully this helps with upper body strength and gets me able to do at least one push-up) the abductors and the lower back machine.  I remember doing all of these machines in the past and being able to set the pin of the weight stack on a lower position (more weight).

So now for some positives!

• I went!  Despite having gone to bed later than I wanted to last night and not waking up when I wanted, I didn’t change my mind about going to the YMCA.  Getting there is half the battle.  It was even raining outside this morning, which is always a mood dampener for me, but I was strong in my resolve.
• The rain was cleansing.  Although I just listed it as a “downer” the rainy weather sometimes can have a different association — that of washing away sins and transgressions.  I felt that by raining down on me, God was telling me that all of my recent bad eating habits were being forgiven and that I had an opportunity to do better going forward.
• I’m symbolically letting go of bad foods.  In a lot of ways, I am a bargain shopper.  So, when I saw milk chocolate bunnies on clearance at Aldi I stocked up.  Their chocolate, Choceur brand, isn’t too bad.  It’s not as good as Hershey in my opinion, but it’s better than some — Palmer as an example!  Anyway, buying chocolate in bulk just because it is a great bargain is a terrible idea.  Thanks to the suggestion from my mom, I am donating all of it to the local food pantry.  I’m going there today.

Well, I’d like to be able to tell you that I have done wonderfully well in maintenance mode, but I can’t.  I have sucked big time!  I have so many conflicting emotions.  I’m not handling things well right now.  Not at ALL.  Four out of the last five days have been complete binge-fests, in which I have consumed more than 4000 calories each of those days.  (Mostly chocolate, by the way.)  After three days in a row, I thought I had made it clear to myself that it was going to stop.  Yesterday, I ate 922.  Today, it was 4019.  Obviously, I had not learned my lesson and that healthy, responsible eating was short-lived.

Today I made my mother late for a very important appointment because the place I wanted to go to for lunch was not convenient and as a result she couldn’t make it to where she needed to go on time.  (She met me for an appointment that I had and had to go somewhere else afterwards.)  The trouble is, she is too kind-hearted and didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  Not only was the place I chose one of the most fattening places to eat on the planet, but it lead me to continue bad choices afterwards.  I ate wonderfully for breakfast (lean protein and fruit) but from lunch time on was horrendous.  I’m sucking on a chocolate lollipop as I type this, if you can stomach that honesty!

I feel like crap. 

Maintenance sucks.

I’m not good at this.

However, being the bleeding heart optimist that I am, I have once again decided that “tomorrow” is going to be the day.  I think in order for this maintenance mode to be successful, I am going to have to have other goals other than just weight maintenance.  I’ve decided, despite how POOR at it I am, that exercise and strength training will do me good.  Not only will regular exercise help me re-lose these TWELVE pounds that I’ve put back on (remember the promise to myself that I’d never regain more than ten?  Well, that is shot to H-E-double hockey sticks) but it will give me better muscle tone, greater endurance, and an outlet for stress other than food!

So, my alarm is set for 4:25.  The YMCA opens at 5am and if I can get there and back before about 6:30, I might make it back home before my youngest daughter wakes up.  Most of my prior excuses about going to the Y have been that I couldn’t schedule it with child care because my preschooler doesn’t like being left there without me around.  Well, my husband has volunteered to play Mom if she wakes up before I get back.

Actually, he and I are going to try to alternate days so that we can both work our way to better physical fitness. 

I know it seems like a long way off, but August 3rd is the day by which I would like to be back at 148 pounds.  That’s 11 weeks away, so with 12 pounds to lose, it’s certainly doable.  I’ve chosen August 3rd because that will be the two-year anniversary of the beginning of my blog.  By August 3rd, I want to have (re) lost the twelve pounds I gained, be able to run a 5K distance without stopping to walk, and do ten push-ups — which is an average for a woman my age according to this push-up fitness test.  (Right now I can’t do any, so this would be a HUGE accomplishment, as I have so little upper body strength.)  Between the huge increase in cardio and the workouts my muscles will be getting, my metabolism should get a big boost and those pounds should come back off.

Right now I feel sluggish, lazy, and fat.  Hopefully tomorrow the sun will be shining, my attitude will be positive and I’ll be well on my way to meeting my goals.

This blog posting should dispel any rumors that I am some sort of weight loss super-woman.  Yes, losing 120 pounds was great.  Yes, I look better, feel better, yada yada yada… but I am human and I’ve erred big time.  I just have to forgive myself and move on.  I CAN DO THAT!  I promise.

Keep me in your prayers.

I intended to up my calories by approximately 100 calories, to 1300, and try to stay in that range for three months (and also to try hard to incorporate exercise in the form of strength training twice per week) hoping not to gain or lose more than five pounds.

I planned to update you with my ongoing weight once per month, assuming that my weight wasn’t going to change a whole lot on a week-to-week basis.  Well, crap happens and life has a way of messing up what we intend and what we assume.

You know what though?  I’m not going to beat myself up over it.  I am 100% confident that my hiccup will not erase all the hard work I put in for the longterm.  Hiccup you say?  Yes!  I weighed 154 when I woke up this morning.  Yikes!

It’s been quite an emotional week.  I had a four-day road trip that was a tad stressful, as it included visits to family gravesites and “down-home cooking”.  Speaking of country cooking, it is amazing how long and healthy the lives are of those that cook recipes where instead of “a little butter with your mashed potatoes” you get “a little mashed potatoes with your butter”.  Upon further reflection, I’ll bet it has more to do with the fact that they don’t use too many processed foods.  The upside?  I got a recipe for homemade noodles that I love!  (Not that it is healthy, but they’re very yummy!)

Anyway, back to my complaining, er… I mean “venting”.  My dear family we visited also wanted to bestow upon my children some early Easter gifts and I brought back chocolate bunnies galore.  Unfortunately, my kids are of a sharing nature and what started as an innocent 1/2 portion share resulted unbeknownst to them as a midnight hoarding and complete consumption of the remainder of said rabbits.  I admitted to them last night at dinner of my transgression, part to repent but mostly because I had to admit guilt when they asked for part of their bunnies for dessert.  Needless to say, I provided a terrible example and I have to shop for replacement bunnies that they get to enjoy.

The downside?  When I shop for bunnies, it will be bringing more chocolate in the house.  I actually still hunger for it, and I don’t know why.  I thought by eating all the chocolate in the house my mind would be tricked and I wouldn’t want it any more.  I’m going to have to play some pretty serious mind games not to eat any of what I buy for them in replacement.  Sad, isn’t it?

I also didn’t exercise this past week.  I did yesterday, but the 200 calories I burned barely made up for the 1800 that I over-consumed.  Yes, that is not 1800 in total, it’s 1800 over what I had intended to consume. 

I turn 41 tomorrow.  I take a look back at what my health and weight were when I turned 40, and then even further back when I turned 39.  Huge improvement!  I am going to keep that in mind as I struggle to find my inner peace and get back on track.  My hope is that, even including Easter and the feasts and treats that accompany it, I can weigh in on May 1st and report a weight that doesn’t differ too radically from the 148 that I boasted at the end of last month.

Hopefully it’s an indication of good things to come, because rather than snack on some carb-laden thing like cereal, crackers or pretzels, I chose a protein-packed Chicken of the Sea salmon cup for my morning snack.  A little high on the sodium at 360mg, but only 80 calories and 14g of protein!

The scale doesn't lie!

148 pounds (120 pounds lost)

I’m wearing a size 10 jeans in the picture.  My husband says my thighs are too skinny.  He’s right.  Now that I’ve met my original goal of losing 100 pounds and then also the revised goal to lose 20 more, I have more up my sleeve.  I’ll fill you in on all the details of my future goals sometime soon.  For now, I need to get some sleep.  I’ve had a busy weekend!

This past weekend was a little stressful for me.  I’ll save you the details, both of the stressors and the particular foods I chose for my indulgence.  Long story short:  I know exactly what happened and why.  I even thought about having to write this post as I was eating.

Fortunately, the stressors are temporary and able to be remediated fairly easily.  And, either next week or the following at this same time, I will be able to report that the handful of pounds are gone again.  I’m thankful that I realize short setbacks like this are going to happen (it’s called LIFE) but that my standard of eating right and in moderation will prevent me from letting LIFE ruin mine.

The older kids came home with their decorated boxes full of candy and folded cartoon valentines but little chocolate.  (Those evil kids usually share with me, and in not getting chocolate, I did not have to “suffer” — ha ha!)

On another food note (aren’t most of them!) I bought all the ingredients to try that white chili, so I think I will make it tomorrow!

I actually reached this milestone a couple of weeks ago but couldn’t get an uploaded photo to appear in my page.  I still don’t technically have it resolved, so I’m referring to the photo which I have uploaded elsewhere just so that you can see it.  What do you think — do you think I look too frail or that I don’t have to lose any more weight?  If I were a daring type of person I’d actually photograph my midsection to show you evidence that I feel I need additional work, but if you were to look at my shoulders or neckline you might not think so.  I don’t know.  I’m going to continue until I get to 148.

Speaking of which, I did get to 157 as of yesterday.  New Years Eve!  Since my initial Goal End Date was 1/1/11 I figured I couldn’t state an end-of-period statistic until today.  Bummer, because this morning I weighed 159 — two pounds heavier than yesterday.  I’m not surprised.  I only had 2.5 hours of sleep after my marathon game-playing escape with my mom, husband and kids (until 4am) and then another 1.5 hours of parenting strategy conversation with my mom until 5:30.  (It’s a topic I won’t bridge here, but let’s just suffice to say that I wanted some tips from a mom wiser than I on dealing with pre-teens.)  Anyway, if you believe in the significance of numbers, rather than having only nine more pounds to lose to meet my revised goal, I now have 11, and my mom reassures me by saying having 11 pounds to lose in the year 2011 has a better ring to it.  Oh well.  I think it’s baloney

Given the lack of sleep and 24 (yes, twenty-four) Hershey Hugs over the course of the evening, I shouldn’t be surprised at all.  Just as much as listing new year’s resolutions and playing board games, card games, Wii games and more, it seems as if eating snacks was equally important.  Silly me!  

I ate lots of snacks, but with the exception of the Hershey Hugs, ate VERY slight portions of each, as in 1/4 size servings (three corn chips, a half a mozzarella stick, etc.)  That was my plan, and I felt as if my strategy was going to work too, at least until the parenting conversation where stress-induced chocolate inhalation sabotaged me. 

Happy New Year to all my friends and loved ones.  I appreciate you checking in here with me every now and then.  I hope everything you have (or have yet to) resolve to do in 2011 comes to fruition.

This morning, I weighed 164, so not only did the two pounds come back off quickly, but I must’ve thrown that disc golf frisbee enough times last weekend to kick start my metabolism into burning more!  I was actually at a low of 163 late last week but have held pretty steadily to 164 since then.

I still haven’t adjusted my goals on the Livestrong site, so based on my current weight and age, in order to lose two pounds per week it says I have to limit myself to 1163 calories per day.  And, that estimate has not been scientifically absolutely correct.  On average, I tend to lose about 1.25 or 1.5 pounds per week.  But, I still try to hang as close to that number as possible.  With each pound I lose, that number lowers by four or five calories.  It’s amazing how choosy I can be when I know I can have a 40 calorie snack but an 80 calorie snack would put me over a limit! 

Anyway, I’ll be glad when I get down to 148, my ultimate goal, so that I can adjust my goal to be in a maintenance mode rather than a weight loss mode.  Then my calories allowed will actually be in a more workable range.  Right now, it’s tough trying to find enough variety in my diet in low-cal main meals that will work with my requirements and still be appealing to my kids and filling for my husband, especially since I am trying to consume as little sodium as possible and they all like salty things!  I don’t really like fixing separate entrees for myself than I do for the rest in my family.  When it’s just me and hubby and Sarah for lunches (when the two older kids are in school) I am more likely to fix separate items for myself, but if my two older kids see me catering to myself when they’re also eating, they’re likely to complain that they want something “special” or “separate” themselves.  I’m not going to let them dictate the meals any more than they already do.  As it is, I can’t fix our family anything with onions!