In the time since posting about that goal, I have fluctuated quite a bit, both in my eating habits and (of course) a weight that corresponds to eating behaviors.  I realized that much of the gain would be in water weight and would quickly come off.  I was right.  Within three days, five pounds was gone and I weighed 167.  But, five days after that I was all the way up to 174.  (Obviously some bad eating choices the night before that weigh-in!)  Slowly, the weight has been coming off again, as I’ve resettled back into some good routines.  I was at 166 on Sunday but by yesterday back up to 169.

I try not to let little fluctuations of 1-3 pounds bother me that much — as long as they are not consecutive.  In fact, the three pounds that reappeared this week were based on sodium, not calorie intake.  In fact, on Sunday I only consumed approximately 1224 calories.  However, sodium was just under 3000mg.  I tried a new crock pot recipe for pizza soup (which was fabulous, by the way) and I guess I didn’t realize how high on sodium it would be until I entered it (after consumption) into my Livestrong database ingredient by ingredient.  I guess to make it next time I’ll have to modify it slightly to make it lower in sodium.  Note to self:  italian sausage is high in sodium!  Duh.

When it comes to those fluctuations, however, it is important to look at them as trends.  If I say I won’t fret over a two pound gain, then I have to follow that up with “but I can’t be ok when there are five consecutive two-pound gains” without the corresponding entries in the CREDITS (losses) column.  I’m no accountant, but to have a good balance sheet, the debits and credits (or gains and losses) have to negate one another!

So, as a trend, I am doing well.  If I weighed 169 this morning, that means I’m down three pounds and my goal is 20% complete.  When I was losing all my weight, I kept reminding myself how important it was to think of it not as losing 100 pounds but losing 10 pounds ten times.  That was much more doable for me, and allowed me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  So, if my math is correct, I just need to lose three pounds four more times.  No problem!

Since losing 100 pounds, I lost another 20 and hit 148 on 3/28/11 and have been as high as 165 since then.  Now I’m at 158 and seem to be in a pattern of gaining and losing the same 5-10 pounds over and over.

Maintenance is hard!  But, I do take pride (and comfort) in the fact that I’ve learned the ins and outs of the process and when I do screw up I know exactly what to do to get back to where I want to be.

From here, I’m striving to (re)lose five pounds and hover as close to possible in the low 150s.  I think I will be comfortable there.

Not much has been happening on the home front and my weight hasn’t changed a whole lot in the last 30 days.  A month ago today I weighed 163 and this morning 160.  There was a lot of fluctuation, down to 156 in that time period and then slightly back up again.  I keep straying from the plan and then do all the required things to take the weight back off.

I wish it wasn’t such a game.  I wish maintenance was easier than it is. 

I tried several months ago to enter the maintenance mode by increasing calorie intake by about 300 calories per day, up to about 1500 from 1200.  I thought that since I no longer needed to be in weight loss mode, I could afford to eat a bit more.  Well, I guess I overcompensated or perhaps gave myself too many liberties.  In any case, I’ve had to remain in that “loss” mode 90% of the time to erase the damage done by the 10% of days I screw up.

Putting the positive spin on it, though, one YEAR ago today I was 171 pounds and two years ago today I was 243 pounds.  In the grand scheme, I have come a long way, I am still doing great, and I am painfully aware of the ways to eat.  When I do screw up, I am thankful that I do not seem to have it in me to “undo” all the progress I’ve made.

I’ll try to update the blog more regularly.  I know I don’t have a huge readership, but those friends I’ve made along the path of weight loss tell me I may have the ability to help someone else by sharing my experiences and offering encouragement.

The odd thing?  All day each of the last few days I have eaten very well — carefully recorded every morsel I ate, chose my meals and snacks wisely, stayed within the calorie range I wanted — but when the day was done and I should have been in bed I was instead up eating like a crazed lunatic!

My sleep has been terrible.  My stress has been very high.  (An uncle passed away today and I had to deal with a medical emergency of someone else VERY close to me that I will not reveal to protect the privacy of that individual.)  Added to that is the fact that my youngest transitioned to preschool last week and my older two start back tomorrow.

I’ve got reasons, but I need to be stronger than this.  I don’t want to throw away progress.

It has been four weeks since my last blog post and perhaps part of the reason I am failing at this is that I haven’t had any accountability.  It’s worth a try.  I don’t mind that everyone else sees my failures.  I’m human, and I can admit that I have successes too!  I’m not totally depressed, just in a funk right now with everything I am trying to juggle.  I think I am using food as an outlet for my stress, but right now I am so junked up on sugar that I think I just might vomit.  My stomach hurts so much.

Some positives from the last four weeks:

1. I recovered from my last binge four weeks ago and went from 161 pounds back down to 151.
2. I went on a mini vacation to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and engaged in lots of outdoors-y activities including hiking, rock climbing, and swimming — all without feelings of being overly fatigued.
3. I wore a new swimsuit and for the first time in ages looked at a photo of me in a swimsuit without disgust.
4. I was away from my routine for four days on vacation and had to rely on food prepared by others yet did not gain any weight on vacation.

The negatives:

1. Night-time snacking that has plummeted into uncontrollable binge fests — wanting to eat secretly and alone rather than for nourishment and energy with those that I love.
2. Went from 151 pounds back up to 160 in just four days.
3. Not getting good quality sleep.
4. Have back aches every day and therefore not much desire for exercise.
5. Unknown duration of stressful situation and to top it off, a funeral to attend this weekend.

I am going to share a few photos to highlight the positive and to encourage me to seek out healthy ways of dealing with stress or whatever else has caused me to binge at night.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m stronger than this, dammit!

It allows you to create your own recipes so you can see, at a glance, what the nutritional data is for a complete recipe or complete meal might be.  Then, when it comes to accounting for a meal nutritionally, it is easier to do it for a whole recipe or a whole meal at a time rather than the individual components.  It’s cumbersome entering and tracking every morsel of food you eat, but at least there are some shortcuts, especially for those foods you eat the most.

• lose 13 pounds to get  back to 148 pounds
• run for 30 consecutive minutes on the treadmill
• do 10 pushups

I had 11 weeks to get to those goals.  Considering I am four weeks into the 11 available, I wanted to make sure I was on track to succeed — or approaching half way at least.  Well, of the 13 pounds, I lost 9, so that is good.  I should be able to lose the remaining four pounds given that I have seven weeks to do it in.  I am up to 17 minutes straight on the treadmill, so that is more than half — I think I’m doing ok there too.

BUT — those darn push-ups!  I just can’t do them!  I have been lifting weights at the YMCA after doing the cardio workouts, trying my best to build upper body strength (which is what I thought I would need to better “push up” my body) but even now, I still cannot do even one measly little pushup — even the girly kind where I start out on my knees instead of toes!

I’m going to keep trying, but I’m a little less confident that I am going to be able to tick that one off my list.

Anyway, I just smile, say thank you, and prepare for “How much have you lost?” and what usually follows:  “How did you do it?”

I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised though.  Even I had a hard time seeing the drastic change in the first year.  The first 60 pounds came off without too much of a visual difference.  The second 60 pounds produced changes that were much more noticeable.  Good thing I’m not going for another 60 — I’d shrivel!

• 1st time = 2 minutes
• 2nd time = 5.5 minutes
• 3rd time = 10 minutes
• 4th time = 12 minutes
• today = 15 minutes

I’m half way to my goal and still have over two months to do it.  I’m psyched!

I’m not sure if going a little later in the morning helped me, but it’s possible.  On Sundays, the YMCA doesn’t open until 10am.  The first couple of times I went were during the week, when the Y opens at the crack of dawn.  On those first two excursions, I was already tired before going, because I had to set my alarm to get up early enough to go. 

Or, maybe it was a more engaging show on the television monitor above my treadmill.  During the week, it was morning news.  That’s kind of depressing and the topic changes every 15 to 30 seconds or so, giving me an opportunity to keep glancing at the treadmill’s readout when they rotate the “breaking news”.  By waiting until later in the day, I got some shows with an extended focus.  For me, this time, it was Extreme Makeover.  They were building a home for a lady that promised her dying sister that she would raise her 10 kids (in addition to the 4 she already had) and she needed a home large enough to raise 14 kids.  I love it when Extreme Makeover helps foster, adoptive and extended families.  It warms my heart.  I didn’t get through the whole show in the time I had allotted to exercise, but I was moved to witness their story and focusing on that meant I was not focusing on elapsed time or distance.  In fact, in the ten minutes I jogged, I think I only glanced at the display twice between start and stop!

The weight is coming back off too.  After just three days of eating right, I’ve relost four pounds.  I have yet to try any push-ups to satisfy the “ten push-ups” portion of my August 3rd goal, but I did lift weights both of the times I went to the Y — hoping to build some upper body strength that will allow me to achieve the goal.